that time i looked like gwyneth paltrow.

it is not every day that i can say that sentence.
i don’t have blonde hair. 
i am not married to a rocker. 
i don’t have children with blonde hair.
so in summary: i look NOTHING like her. 
except for this one time… 
remember this picture floating around?

so those marks are from cupping. 
what is cupping you ask??
via wiki:
Cupping therapy is an ancient form of alternative medicine in which a local suction is created on the skin; practitioners believe this mobilizes blood flow in order to promote healing.[1] Suction is created using heat (fire) or mechanical devices (hand or electrical pumps). It is known in local languages as baguan/baguar, badkesh, banki, bahnkes, bekam, buhang, bentusa, kyukaku, gak hoi, Hijamah, kavaa (ކަވާ), singhi among others.”

i had them take this picture for me while i was there. for you guys. [kidding]

anyway. a while back i bought a groupon for acupunture and cupping at this place in CHINATOWN. i was a little skeptical but i wanted to try it. so why not right?

after a 30 minute consultation answering pointless questions about my medical history. a quick examination of my tongue. and nail color check. we got started with the stabbing. the needles were actually thicker than i thought. i thought it would just feel like a little pin prick. but in my [humble] opinion, it felt like a needle jamming into my skin. then this weird burning/tingling sensation happened. 

she put 12, TWELVE, TWELVE needles in my body. including 2 in my ear. and 2 on the top of my head in my scalp. she was going for relieving my stress. [good luck with that.]

then told me to relax. 

two MAIN reasons i couldn’t relax:
1. she had that shitty crinkle paper on the bed that doctor’s offices use so they don’t have to clean shit. you know how loud that is just when you breathe. so no, i can’t fall asleep with needles stuck in me for fear i might turn over and pierce myself. and the paper is far too loud to even get there.
2. the FUCKING clock on the wall was SO loud. there was no calming music to mask the ticking. nothing. just the ticking of time not quickly passing. it was like when you are lying in bed trying to fall asleep and all you can do is stare at the ceiling and get infuriated. yeah that was where i was. 

so i thought. this isn’t for me.

next the cupping. this i read about the marks. what i guess i didn’t read was that they last for 7 days. good thing it isn’t bsuit season. 

girl look at that booty. [looks funny]

also what she didn’t tell me was that the joke was on me. 

when she put the jars in a smiley face pattern. and i wouldn’t notice until i got home and saw the marks really coming to light. 

fuck her. that is just rude. but hilarious at the same time. i would do the same thing. 

[it actually looks worse now. they get more bruise like with time.]

also BIG BIG BIG thanks for all my blogger friends for posting for me this week. i am happy to report that we passed all of our inspections to date and we are waiting for a couple last ones to sign off the building. but my hair is falling out because of my hard hat and my feet are tired from my boots.

if you missed my spring break series go here.

[holy shit…THREE me(a)gans????] i am recruiting new friends. send applications via twitter with your best joke.

13 Comment

  1. so did the cupping/needle jabbing work? did it relieve your stress? or would you only recommend this to people who enjoy hurting themselves? the marks look crazy, like an alien abducted you. i think ill pass on the whole needle thing, but you sure are brave!

  2. Wait, so I really want to know how you feel after the acupuncture/cupping procedure. I've always wanted to do acupuncture

  3. Okay, owe! Those needles sound super painful! Did any of it help at all w/ your stress? And what does the cupping thing feel like?

  4. this is why i quit subscribing to groupon. and also why i would never go to anything less than a Red Door or Four Seasons spa for one of those kooky treatments. people be nasty yo.

    this whole thing reminds me of a chelsea handler story about going to a decrepit massage parlor in LA, only to discover they do lesbian happy endings. so at least that didn't happen to you!!


  5. what the? i've never heard of "cupping" and i don't think i'll be trying this. however, i have done acupuncture and it is amazing. i think it depends where you go and how 'specialized' the person is. but seriously, it works.

  6. Hahaha hilarious. I always wanted to try cupping actually after seeing those pictures of Gwyneth what seems like many years ago now. I've tried acupuncture, for my AS – didn't do anything to help, but was relaxing at the time and the needles were mega thin and hardly felt them… glad you survived a dodgy Groupon deal by the sounds of it!

  7. So have you felt any benefits from your session? I've never done anything like this but I'm intrigued

  8. This doesn't seem normal. Also, I could be wrong, but I think we talked about acupuncture at brunch. This doesn't seem normal. Because I love acupuncture, but your story is scary.

  9. OMG.

    Scary as shit, I would never, ever, ever.

    Brave soul.

  10. what in the world? That seems like such an odd thing to do. Hahaha you should post a pic of the smiley face 🙂 Lol!!!!

  11. ew, that does not seem enjoyable in the least!!

  12. omg, i hate to laugh at your misfortune… but excuse me while i laugh at your misfortune… this is crazy. lol. i want to know if you felt detoxed or whatever the hell it's supposed to do!?!?

  13. baaahahahhaa I love it. I love your humor and I love that you can laugh at the fact that they made your cupping bruises look like a smiley. I once thought I would give it a try…but reviews came in haa. have a great week/end!

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